Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998) Sepia Brit Noir

Written and Directed by Guy Ritchie (Snatch).

The Sepia toned Cinematography was by Tim Maurice-Jones, Editing by Niven Howie. The excellent Music was by David A. Hughes and John Murphy.

The film stars Nick Moran as Eddie, Jason Fleming as Tom, Dexter Fletcher as Soap, Jason Statham as Bacon, Steven Mackintosh as Winston, Vinnie Jones as Big Chris, Peter McNicholl as Little Chris, Nicholas Rowe as J, Lenny McLean as Barry "the Baptist," and P. H. Moriarty as "Hatchet" Harry Lonsdale.

Jason Statham as Bacon

Nick Moran as Eddie

Dexter Fletcher as Soap

Jason Flemyng as Tom

With Frank Harper as Dog, Sting as JD, Huggy Leaver as Paul, Stephen Marcus as Nick "the Greek," Vas Blackwood as Rory Breaker, Vera Day as Tanya, Alan Ford as Alan, Danny John-Jules as Barfly Jack, Victor McGuire as Gary, Jake Abraham as Dean, Rob Brydon as the traffic warden, Steve Collins as boxing gym bouncer, and Steve Sweeney as Plank.

Stephen Marcus as Nick "the Greek,"

Lenny McLean as Barry "the Baptist,"

P. H. Moriarty as "Hatchet" Harry Lonsdale

Vinnie Jones as Big Chris

Nicholas Rowe as J

Nick Marcq as Charles

Sting as JD

Jake Abraham as Dean and Victor McGuire as Gary

Vas Blackwood as Rory Breaker

Steve Sweeney as Plank

Frank Harper as Dog

Vera Day as Tanya

This is sort of a UK mash up of Mean Streets, Reservoir Dogs, Jimmy breslin's The with dashes of David Lynch and the Coen Brothers for garnish.

This is the tale of shady bunch of London buddies, Eddie, Tom, Soap, and Bacon.

We first get introduced to Bacon and Eddie doing their street peddler schtick to a small crowd of rubes.

For any of you out there who remember the old Abbott & Costello TV Show, they were always running into various street cons on the show, with Lou always falling for them, or doing their own scams.

Bacon's got his spiel down pat, gets a few titters from the ladies and Eddie is the shill in the crowd who buys the first trinket.

Bacon: Right. Let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those who trust me from the ones who don't, because if you can't see value here today, you're not up here shopping. You're up here shoplifting. You see these goods? Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite. Fanny by the gaslight. Take a bag, c'mon take a bag. I took a bag home last night. Cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell you. Anyone like jewelry? Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney. It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else. Don't think because these boxes are sealed up, they're empty. The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you lot today, I'd make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price. Ten pound.

Eddie: Did you say ten pound?

Bacon: Are you deaf?

Eddie: That's a bargain. I'll take one.

Bacon: Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow. They call it walking. You want one as well, darling? You do? That's it. They're waking up. Treat the wife. Treat somebody else's wife. It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught. Hold on. You want one as well? Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then. It's no good standing out there like one o'clock half-struck. Buy them, you better buy them. These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for, and we can't get them again. They've changed the bloody locks. Here. One for you. It's no good coming back later when I've sold out. "Too late, too late" will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by. If you got no money on you now, you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages.

They start to make some money until Tom who is now acting as a lookout gives the alarm that the bobbies are coming.

Eddie: Bacon, cozzers!

Cozzers!

Bacon: Shit.

In one quick motion Bacon scoops the trinkets into their suitcase slams it shut and starts running after Tom.

As Bacon and Eddie make their getaway a V.O. Tells us that Toms real talent is in playing cards, while Bacon knows that his days as a street peddler are numbered.

We cut to what looks like a corner store where Tom and Nick the Greek are waiting for Eddie. When Eddie arrives they head to the backroom where Tom fences various commodities. Nick is complaining about not getting the amp or speakers with a stereo he wants to buy.

Tom and Nick got their fingers in all the dirty pies.

We cut to a restaurant kitchen and meet Soap. He got his nickname because he likes to keep his hands clean and runs a legit business. In come Eddie, Tom, and Bacon.

Eddie needs 100,000 pounds to get a seat at Porno King Hatchet Harry Lonsdale's high stakes poker game. Since Eddie supposedly has a "golden arm" they figure they can turn 100,000 pounds into 500,000 pounds with Eddie in the game. So each contributes 25,000 pounds. Bacon tells them from experience, a reasonable return on investment is about 125,000.

Eddie makes a call to Harry and tells him he has 100,000 pounds. We cut to Harry's wood paneled office above his Sex Shop. Also in the office is Harry's enforcer Barry "the Baptist." He looks like cross between Tor Johnson, Stanislaus Zbyszko, and Daddy Warbucks.

We cut to the outside of Eddie, Tom, Soap, and Bacon "gang" hangout next to a mini cab outfit. Once the gang is ensconced in their HQ, we also get introduced to all the hood rats. Next door on the other side of the mini cabs is the den of another gang run by Dog.

Eddie, Tom, Soap, and Bacon can, through a vent in a closet wall, eavesdrop on what Dogs got planning, next door.

We cut to a bunch of pot farmers at their base of operations. and get introed to them. Winston, Charles, J and eventually Willie who comes in completely shit faced supporting a mush mind chick and carrying a bag of fertilizer.

Then we cut to Big and Little Chris. Big Chris settles debts for Harry. We first see Little Chris standing outside The Tan Tropez Solarium, tanning parlor and then watch Big Chris drive up. Big Chris asks Little Chris if he's still here. Little Chris tells him yes.

We follow them into the Parlor where Big Chris confronts John in a tanning bed.

Big Chris: I've got some bad news for you, John.

John: What the fuck?

[Chris closes tanning bed on John]

Big Chris: Mind your language in front of the boy!

John: Jesus Christ!

[Chris does it again]

Big Chris: That includes blasphemy as well!

Big Chris tells little Cris to check the locker for John's wallet.Little Chris finds money.

Little Chris: Fuckin' hell John, do you always walk around with this in your pocket?

Big Chris: Hey! You use language like that again son, you'll wish you hadn't!

We also get introed to JD, Eddie's dad at his bar appropriately called JD's Bar. Eddie, Tom, Soap, and Bacon meet up there and then wait until the time comes to escort Eddie to Monty's Gym, where Hatchet Harry runs his poker game.

Back at Hatchet Harry's. Harry is relating to Barry that some insolvent lord is having his estate auctioned off and Harry wants Barry to arrange to have a couple of tea leaf's (sneak thieves) to break in and burgle the Lords gun cabinet contents. Harry wants the two Holland & Holland antiques, and doesn't want to have to bid on them.

We cut to Barry in a strip bar recruiting two dimwits Dean and Gary to do the job.

Barry tells them that they can have anything else that they can grab for themselves, but don't fuck up getting those shotguns.

Gary: Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shot?

Barry the Baptist: Oh, you must be the brains of the operation. Yes, guns that fire shot.

We cut Eddie, Tom, Soap, and Bacon on arriving at Monty's Gym. At the entrance two bouncers block their path. They tell the gang that they need paper invitations. Eddie tells them he has a hundred thousand pieces of paper that says he good. The bouncers let Eddie in and tell the rest that they can wait down the street at the Samoan Pub.

So story-wise at this point three things are going on at once. Hatchet Harry's high stakes poker game at Monty's Gym, Dean and Gary burgling the Lords estate, and Tom, Soap, and Bacon hanging out at The Samoan Pub.

Right before Tom, Soap, and Bacon get to the Samoan Pub's entrance a screaming man with his clothes on fire bursts out into the street. It doesn't phase them. Inside the pub is where we first meet Rory Breaker another gang leader who buys all his weed from Winston, Charles, J and Willie, the ganga farmers.

The Samoan Pub

Gary and Dean on their way to burgle

At the Samoan Pub, we get another humorous exchange when after asking for a refreshing drink the bartender brings Bacon a cocktail with a celery stalk or something similar sticking out of the glass.

Bacon: What's that?

Samoan Joe's Barman: It's a cocktail. You asked for a cocktail.

Bacon: No. I asked you to give me a refreshing drink. I wasn't expecting a fucking rainforest! You could fall in love with an orangutan in that!

Samoan Joe's Barman: You want a pint, you go to the pub.

Bacon: I thought this was a pub!

Samoan Joe's Barman: It's a Samoan pub.

Meanwhile we cut back and forth between the poker game and the burglary. We get more black humor as Dean and Gary house break and besides stealing the shotguns Gary gets it into his head that he wants to torture the Lord for the whereabouts of his money. So we have Gary with a lighter trying to set afire the Lords toes in his bedroom.

Dean trying to explaining that they have no money, while a servant of the Lord with another double barreled shot gun, steps in the doorway, and squeezes off a shot at Dean just at the moment when he drops the shotguns that he is carrying.

Dean ducks down to retrieve the guns, the blast blows a notch out of the top of Gary's afro-ish hairdo.

At the poker game it all goes Noirsville when we see that Barry is using a video camera with a zoom to spy on Eddies cards and he relays the into via a wire that is attached to Hatchet Harry's leg.