Bad Santa (2003) The Santa Claus Racket

"Santa Claus is drunk in the Ski Room, And it's Christmas eve in a sad café." (Tom Waits)

Directed by Terry Zwigoff (Crumb (1994).  

Written by Glenn Ficarra & John Requa. Cinematography by Jamie Anderson, and Music by David Kitay.

The film stars Billy Bob Thornton (Sling Blade (1996), A Gun, a Car, a Blonde (1997), U Turn (1997), A Simple Plan (1998), The Badge (2002), Fargo (TV Series) 2014-2017, as Willie, Tony Cox as Marcus (Skidmore), Brett Kelly as Thurman Merman "The Kid," Lauren Graham as Sue, Lauren Tom as Lois, Bernie Mac as Gin, John Ritter (Sling Blade (1996), A Gun, a Car, a Blonde (1997)) as Bob Chipeska, and Cloris Leachman (Kiss Me Deadly (1955), The Last Picture Show (1971), Dillinger (1973)) as Grandma.

Comedy Noirs were out there. Ensemble/comedy and quasi-comedy Classic Noirs like Grand Central Murder (1942)  Deadline at Dawn (1946), Manhandled (1949), His Kind of Woman (1951), Shack Out On 101 (1955), and even Lady In The Lake (1946), has some of this quality. There are probably a few others lurking in the classics. Neo Noir contenders are Dr. Strangelove, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), Kiss Me Stupid (1964) Seven Beauties (1975), The Late Show (1977) After Hours (1985), Down By Law (1986), Delicatessen (1991) and The Big Lebowski (1998).

The Story

Marcus (Skidmore). Main man. Genius. Dwarf. Small but thinks BIG. He came up with the perfect gig. Robbing department stores at Christmas. The Santa Claus Racket. One BIG job and then set for a year.

 

Tony Cox as Marcus (Skidmore)

Marcus works with his gal pal with benefits, Lois. Lois scopes out the big ticket items. Jewelry. Clothes. Furs. 

Lauren Tom as Lois

Marcus' main partner in crime is Willy T Stokes. A sad sack Santa. "Boxman." Ex con from the Ding Wing. "Ass-man." Loser & Bug Juicer. 

Billy Bob Thornton as Willy T Stokes the worlds most miserable Santa

The racket goes like this. Every year Marcus makes a sort of promo of their Christmas Holiday Santa services, call it "Santa and his real life North Pole Workshop Elf." He sends it off to various department stores across the country. The "Elf " angle is golden. Unique. When they get bites Marcus high grades everything out but the most promising target stores. They go for the interview and if if they get the gig, Marcus goes phase two, and gets the floor & duct plans.

The gig lasts from Thanksgiving to Christmas Eve. Marcus acts as usher and MC. Willy sits on the Christmas throne and marinates all day. Marcus brings on the kids, the snotnoses, the wishful, the dumb struck, the un believers. During breaks during the day Marcus learns the alarm systems figures out the duct work etc., etc.

Our story opens upon Ohara's Pub a cozy Christmas party in full swing. Down at the end of the bar sprawls Willie. He's smoking. He looks like the worlds most miserable Santa. Drunk as usual. He orders another.

Willie: [narrating] I've been to prison once, I've been married - twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for 2 1/2 years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal. I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this! If I'd known I was gonna have to put up with screaming brats pissing on my lap for days out of the year, I would have killed myself a long time ago. Come to think of it, I still might. Where I come from, we didn't celebrate Christmas. Not because we were Jewish, but because my dad was a worthless-coward fucking asshole whose idea of a present was a daily punch to the back of the head. He did teach me how to crack a safe, though. My dad never did shit with his life, so he took it out on me. You could say I'm no different. I'd have to say you were right. But at this point, it's too late to start over. Funny how things work out.          It's fucking hilarious.

By the time he stumbles out of the bar and into the alley its snowing. He pukes up against a wall. 

Christmas Eve. The department store gig has wound down. Willie exhausted, pisses his pants. Marcus is disgusted at Willie as usual. 

The regular employees and Willie leave the shuffle out past the security guard. The guard speaks into his mic. As the last  goes out the guard arms the alarm. 30 seconds. 

Back at Santa's stage one of the displays in the Nativity Scene starts moving. Its Marcus in snowman drag and he's got less than 30 seconds to disarm the alarm. 

Its a cute sequence done to the Nutcracker Suite. He goes running towards the escalators knocking over Jesus and Mary. He slides down the space between the up and down moving stairways and over to the alarm, shutting it off with seconds to spare. He next goes to the back of the store to let in Willie. 

They go to work. Marcus with a shopping cart starts the roundup of Lois' high end item list while Willie starts cracking the safe. It goes just clockwork just like always. Lois is outside in the van, their getaway driver. 

They split the loot and Willie heads to Florida where he blows away most of it during the year drinking and ogling the rear ends of cute girls in bikini's so that by the late fall he's waiting for Marcus's call for the next job. He's living it Christmas to Christmas.

Saguaro Square Mall in Phoenix is their next target. The pernickety mall manager Bob Chipeska is unnerved by Willies whole couldn't give a shit demeanor when he finally meets the duo. 

John Ritter as Bob Chipeska

Bob Chipeska: Hi. Bob Chipeska. Welcome. Great photo and resume by the way.

Marcus: Thanks. You know, we've been at this for a long time and all, so we like to think we do a good job.

Bob Chipeska: You two are perfect for this job, truly. So, I don't want his unpleasantness affect your performance in any way.

Marcus: Oh no. We...

Willie: Performance?

Bob Chipeska: Yes. Your performance. You know, the...

Willie: Do you mean sexual?

[Bob looks up at Willie in confusion]

Bob Chipeska: Excuse me?

Willie: Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear? Is that what you're saying to me?

Bob Chipeska: I'm sorry, your gear?

Marcus: Willie...

Willie: My fuck stick

[Bob makes a disgusted look]

Marcus: Willie, take a seat. You know how your blood sugar is.

Bob Chipeska: He's not going to say fuck stick in front of the children, is he?

Marcus: No! It was just a joke. An adult joke. For us, adults. It's a joke. Just a joke..

Chipeska rats out Willie and Marcus to Mall Dick Gin Slagel's attention sort of like if you see something say something only Chipeska isn't quite sure just WTF he just saw.

Bernie Mac as Gin

At this point Thurman Merman makes the scene. Thurm is sort slow on the uptake. But he is mesmerized by Santa Willie. Its his presence that tips the film into the realm of rare Kid Noir. 

Brett Kelly as Thurman Merman

There's not a whole lot of Classic Kid Noir. Probably the most well known for Aficio-Noir-dos is Night of the Hunter. Others are The Window, The Fallen Idol, The Stranger in Between, L'enfer des anges, Shadow On The Wall, the beginning of The Strange Love of Martha Ivers, and parts of Jeopardy, and Suddenly. There are probably a few more out there.

Thurm's presence is tolerated by Willie because Willie sees something of his looser self in the kid. Thurm's mother is dead and his father is in prison, and he lives with his senile grandmother. Thurm is so gullible that he lets "Santa" Willie crash at his house, rob his fathers safe and drive around in his father's BMW. 

Thurm's adoration of Santa Willie

Breaking into Thurm's fathers safe

We have, sprinkled throughout, hilarious exchanges of expletive laced dialog between all the characters. Examples below.

Willie: You can't drink worth shit.

Marcus: I weigh 92 pounds, you dick!

Willie [to Thurm]: Why don't you wish in one hand, and shit in the other. See which one fills up first.

Thurm: What are their names?

Willie: Who?

Thurm: The Elves.

Willie: Shit, I can't remember, I think one of them is Sneezy and there's a Dopey...

Thurm: That's the seven dwarfs!

Willie: You're shittin' me? I thought... I was thinking there was a... I don't know! Fuck, kid; I just call them you know Bub, I call them... I say hey Bub or Chief or whatever the fuck, I tell them to make the god dammed toys. What the FUCK is wrong with you? I can't remember this shit. Does everything with you have to be a fucking test?

Thurm: How old are they?

Willie: Things are fucked up at the North Pole. Mrs. Claus caught me fucking her sister, now I'm out on my ass.

Gin: Look here, get him outta here and I'll go smooth things over with Chipeska, Tell him it was food poisoning or something.

Marcus:  What do you mean, get him outta here?

Gin: Take him to the car.

Marcus:  In case you didn't notice I'm a motherfucking dwarf, so unless you got a forklift handy, maybe you should lend a hand hmm?

Gin: That figures. You want all kind of set-asides. Special treatment 'cause you're handicapped. You're all the same.

Marcus:  Special treatment? I'm 3-foot-fucking-tall you asshole! It's a matter of physics. Draw me a sketch of how I get him to the car, huh?

Gin: Bitch, Bitch, Bitch!

Marcus:  Sketch it up, you fucking moron. Fucking Leonardo da Vinci.

Gin: What'd you call me thigh-high?

Marcus:  I called you a fucking guinea homo from the 15th-fucking-century, you dickhead!

Gin: I could stick you up my ass, small fry.

Marcus:  Yeah? You sure it ain't too sore from last night?

Gin: You got some lip on you midget.

Marcus: Yeah? Well these lips were on your wife's pussy last night. Why don't you dust that thing off once in a while? Asshole!

Willie getting caught by Chipeska having anal sex in a dressing room. 

Marcus: It won't happen again. I can promise you that. Willie here has low blood sugar. That's all.

Willie: That's right. I forgot to take my pill.

Bob Chipeska: It's not just the swearing. Forgive me for prying, but did one of you, um, fornicate...

Willie: Fornicate?

Bob Chipeska: Yes. With a heavy-set woman in the big-and-tall dressing room?

Willie: Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But, as far back as I can remember, I've never fornicated anybody.

Bob Chipeska: Yes... Well, even still, I think it's best for all parties considered if we...

Marcus: If we what?

Bob Chipeska: Well, I have somebody else interested in the position.

Willie: Before you do something stupid you might want to think about this shit.

Bob Chipeska: What are you talking about?

Willie: I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding picket signs and using bullhorns and shit like that. Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?

Bob Chipeska: Oh no, this is not a handicapped thing. I have nothing against you people.

Willie: You people? Did you hear that Marcus? He said 'You People.'

Marcus: Who the hell is us people?

Bob Chipeska: No... He said... But... what... No no. Um, I think it's best if we just forget we had this conversation.

Willie: Good thinking. And don't worry about us. We'll be fine. Let's get the hell out of here Marcus.

[Willie and Marcus get up to leave as Willie turns back to Bob]

Willie: You're pathetic.

Willie meeting a babe named Sue who has a Santa Fetish...

Sue: I've always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn't notice. It's like some deep-seeded childhood thing.

Willie: So is my thing for tits.

Lauren Graham as Sue

Sue: Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! 

When Gin Slagel finally gets wise to the racket he cuts himself in for half of the score. It goes Noirsville.

Noirsville

Cloris Leachman as Grandma

Billy Bob seems to have a natural uncanny ability playing dim bulbs and screw loose oddballs. He doesn't disappoint. But here his stew bum alkie character also exudes some genuine pity. Tony Cox as the pint size pilferer, racketeer mastermind has honed the spewing of the rank outs and put downs to a fine art. Here again, it's so natural, I'm sure he also in real life had to develop some hard bark and this ability to defend himself verbally. I also enjoyed John Ritter and Bernie Mac. 

The only misfire is the tacked on ending. It reminds me of a lot of Classic Hollywood Noir where the studio added a happy ending. You'll know where the "real" Noir end is. A perfect Cathartic anti Christmas Black Comedy Noir 7-8/10